I am Different

This past semester has been a complete whirlwind. I have experienced fear, frustration, hurt and loneliness like I never have before, which is crazy when thinking about what the last four years of my life have looked like. The emotions that run through my body on a daily basis have hit hard and torn me down like a brick wall that can not stand up to a hurricane. It has been a rough semester to say the least, and I honestly can not wait for it to be over... but I do know that the Lord is working in me even if I can't see it.

The past few months have made me realize a lot of things, but the main thing I have realized is that I am different. I am not like most of my friends and probably never will be. I do not like to talk about myself because I am not proud of myself. In the mornings I look in the mirror and get sad because I do not see beautiful... I haven't seen it in a long time. I most likely will not tell you about my future plans unless you ask because I do not see the point on going on and on about something that most people don't actually care about. I will not tell you about how I am doing unless you ask... but then again you still might not get anything out of me. I do not like hanging in the Student Center, or in big groups in general,  because a lot of the times I just feel completely overlooked because I do not have any cool stories or funny jokes to tell. I usually have to ask what people are talking about because I am not in the loop a majority of the time and it makes me feel sad. I find myself crawling in bed at 9pm every night because anything I do past that time is nearly impossible. I have given up on trying to be in groups of people. I hate it, because I do love people, but I don't like who I become when I am fighting for attention. I am worn and find it so much easier to be alone than to be in a group and feel lonely. In saying that, I know that the Lord is continuously working in my life. He has shown me how much I need him and how humans will not always be my refuge. I can not always depend on people to hold me on their shoulders and I have to remember that. Satan has used to this season of my life to chew me up and spit me out, but thankfully my God is bigger than the devil and is sweeping me up day after day. Things are still hard and loneliness is real, but God will always tell me cool stories, keep me in the loop when I am lost, and hold me tight when I snuggle in bed very early in the night.

Earlier this semester a dear friend of mine got engaged. I was thrilled beyond belief and I could not wait to stand beside her on her big day. But that all changed when I realized that no, I would not be standing beside her. I would be in the audience just like everyone else. I was hurt and felt disconnected from her and my other friends that were going to be bridesmaids. I would be lying if I said I was not still a little broken about it, but I have realized that sometimes life hurts. It is not always what you expect, and that is not anyones fault. No one was trying to hurt me and disconnect me from my friends, and even though I still feel it sometimes, I know that I am going to be okay. The Lord is always standing beside me and he never walks away. He holds me in his hands and makes me feel included when life has its speed bumps. This is not to call anyone out, but to help me heal. I need to write my feelings out so I can see myself making improvement. Hurt does not have to be permanent and I have to remind myself of that everyday. I may not see myself the same way as I used to, but I know the Lord still sees me as beautiful and he calls me daughter and I could not be more thankful. I was not rejected, I just wasn't chosen and sometimes that is how life works. The Lord used this event to humble me and even though it was difficult to swallow, I am thankful for the work that he did and continues to do. I am so excited for my sweet friends and the commitment to each other and the Lord, and I am ready to be the coolest audience member out there!

I have seen a lot in my lifetime that a lot of people my age have never experienced nor could imagine. I have seen the people I love the most suffer beyond words can describe. I have heard my parents cry themselves to sleep, I have watched my sister fight for her life for years, and I have watched my brother grow into a young man that wants to accomplish so many things and is working towards his goals everyday even through rough waters. I do not always understand people and if I am being honest, I envy people who have never seen much hardship. I feel different than most people because not everything is so simple for me. I cry myself to sleep many nights a week, I sometimes wake up to another child that has lost his or her life to cancer and wow I am also just so confused most of the time. I am constantly lost in conversation and wish I knew more about what is going on in the lives of the people I love most, but sometimes it is a lot to expect of myself and I know that I have to be more gentle with my expectations. I have to remind myself everyday that God is working in my life and he made me different and loves me for it, even if other people do not understand me.

Sophomore year has been hard. It has been trying and I have considered calling it quits many a times, but God has blessed me with good friends who love me well. Yes there are struggles and yes there are days when I feel like I am suffocating, but He is faithful and takes care of me when life gets different, just like me.