His purpose is greater than our pain.

Plenty of words occupy my mind on a daily basis. Sometimes the words are random and have no relevance whatsoever, sometimes they are important words that I need to remember but usually don't, but often times the only word that floats around in my brain is a word that I don't enjoy thinking about. Cancer. Cancer is a word that makes my skin crawl every time I hear it come out of someones mouth. It is an annoying word and I would do anything for it to never be in existence again. 

Last week was rough. It actually sucked pretty badly. On Friday afternoon I listened helplessly to my sister as she spoke the words "they found three more spots of cancer in my brain" to me. I was devastated, heart broken, and angry. I told her that I loved her so much and hung up the phone quickly, so she didn't hear me start to cry. I had just made it back to my dorm room and I could not even make it up on my bed. I felt like a huge 300 pound body builder had just punched me in the stomach. The breath was knocked out of me and I felt defeated. 

I immediately started praying with tears streaming down my face, "God please heal Kayla. She's so special to me. Heal her from head to toe. Please!" I cried out to our all powerful God because I know that He is good, even when the results are bad. I knew I was about to watch my sister "get back in the fight" once more, and I was not prepared.  

Kayla was my first friend. She tried to carry me into the house on my first day home from the hospital (so I hear) and has not stopped carrying me ever since. I am nineteen years into life and I still haven't discovered the secret to being as awesome as her.  She is my super hero, no doubt about it. We have a special bond that will never be broken and I love that. 

 

Throughout this week the word "Cancer" has been the first word to pop up in my brain when I wake up and the last word hanging in there before I doze off to sleep. How annoying, right? I can't stop thinking about all the sweet kiddos who fight for their lives everyday and how up close and personal I am to those fights. Last Saturday, my heart broke even more as I sat and watched the ESPN special on Sid Ortis. For the second time within twenty four hours, pain overtook my entire body. Sid lost his battle to cancer, and my sister was getting ready to kick its butt. Again. 

So I will go ahead and answer the famous question of the week: "Are you okay?"

To be honest, no I am not okay. I have experienced too much sickness, death, and pain in my short life to be "okay."  The words "I'm good" are what usually come out of my mouth when that question is directed at me. Part of me is lying to you, but part of me is good because I know that God is good. He is good. He is good. He is good. I may not always be able to answer your question like you expect, you know with all the feelings and stuff, but know that I find my hope in the Lord and that makes me more than okay. 

Last week was hard for me to say the least. My whole family heard news that we desperately did not want. We, along with thousands of other people, pleaded for clear scans, but we had to put all of our trust in God when they did not appear how we wanted them.  The Lord has a mighty plan for Kayla's life and I don't doubt that for a second. 

There is nothing greater than the power of our great God and I believe that with all of my heart. Even though there are days when I lose hope and I feel so broken inside that the only thing I want to do is lay in bed and cry, I have to remember that God is good even when times are bad. Sometimes he sends precious friends to come lay in bed with me while I cry tears all over their lap, and sometimes he finds a way to put joy back into my heart right away. He is an awesome God and I am so blown away by how much he loves me. He is my comfort and he holds me in his hand everyday, no matter what. 

Even in the not so stellar days, weeks, months, or even years, God is still good all the time. 

I have to remind myself everyday that His purpose is so much greater than our pain. 

We will praise him for the blessings, and pray for the miracles, just like always.