His purpose is greater than our pain.

Plenty of words occupy my mind on a daily basis. Sometimes the words are random and have no relevance whatsoever, sometimes they are important words that I need to remember but usually don't, but often times the only word that floats around in my brain is a word that I don't enjoy thinking about. Cancer. Cancer is a word that makes my skin crawl every time I hear it come out of someones mouth. It is an annoying word and I would do anything for it to never be in existence again. 

Last week was rough. It actually sucked pretty badly. On Friday afternoon I listened helplessly to my sister as she spoke the words "they found three more spots of cancer in my brain" to me. I was devastated, heart broken, and angry. I told her that I loved her so much and hung up the phone quickly, so she didn't hear me start to cry. I had just made it back to my dorm room and I could not even make it up on my bed. I felt like a huge 300 pound body builder had just punched me in the stomach. The breath was knocked out of me and I felt defeated. 

I immediately started praying with tears streaming down my face, "God please heal Kayla. She's so special to me. Heal her from head to toe. Please!" I cried out to our all powerful God because I know that He is good, even when the results are bad. I knew I was about to watch my sister "get back in the fight" once more, and I was not prepared.  

Kayla was my first friend. She tried to carry me into the house on my first day home from the hospital (so I hear) and has not stopped carrying me ever since. I am nineteen years into life and I still haven't discovered the secret to being as awesome as her.  She is my super hero, no doubt about it. We have a special bond that will never be broken and I love that. 

 

Throughout this week the word "Cancer" has been the first word to pop up in my brain when I wake up and the last word hanging in there before I doze off to sleep. How annoying, right? I can't stop thinking about all the sweet kiddos who fight for their lives everyday and how up close and personal I am to those fights. Last Saturday, my heart broke even more as I sat and watched the ESPN special on Sid Ortis. For the second time within twenty four hours, pain overtook my entire body. Sid lost his battle to cancer, and my sister was getting ready to kick its butt. Again. 

So I will go ahead and answer the famous question of the week: "Are you okay?"

To be honest, no I am not okay. I have experienced too much sickness, death, and pain in my short life to be "okay."  The words "I'm good" are what usually come out of my mouth when that question is directed at me. Part of me is lying to you, but part of me is good because I know that God is good. He is good. He is good. He is good. I may not always be able to answer your question like you expect, you know with all the feelings and stuff, but know that I find my hope in the Lord and that makes me more than okay. 

Last week was hard for me to say the least. My whole family heard news that we desperately did not want. We, along with thousands of other people, pleaded for clear scans, but we had to put all of our trust in God when they did not appear how we wanted them.  The Lord has a mighty plan for Kayla's life and I don't doubt that for a second. 

There is nothing greater than the power of our great God and I believe that with all of my heart. Even though there are days when I lose hope and I feel so broken inside that the only thing I want to do is lay in bed and cry, I have to remember that God is good even when times are bad. Sometimes he sends precious friends to come lay in bed with me while I cry tears all over their lap, and sometimes he finds a way to put joy back into my heart right away. He is an awesome God and I am so blown away by how much he loves me. He is my comfort and he holds me in his hand everyday, no matter what. 

Even in the not so stellar days, weeks, months, or even years, God is still good all the time. 

I have to remind myself everyday that His purpose is so much greater than our pain. 

We will praise him for the blessings, and pray for the miracles, just like always. 

Being a college freshman has been a lot harder than I expected. No one told me how difficult it was going to be to make new friends. No one told me that there is practically no such thing as "healthy" food on campus, and no one told me how much I was going to miss my "normal." Those are things that you would expect to be prepared for when you start a new chapter of your life, right? Right, but I still was not even close to being ready. I was under the false impression that new friends popped out of random bushes and dropped out of the sky right in front of you. That does not happen. Just in case any of you were wondering. I kept seeing all these girls on Instagram with all of their "best friends" that they had met twenty six hours previously and being completely confused as to why I was still chilling in my dorm room reminiscing on good memories with my dogs. Don't get me wrong, I do love my dogs, but human interaction is also good for the soul. My best friends were making new friends and It did not take long at all for me to feel like I was being replaced. If you have ever had that feeling before then you know exactly how I felt. I was watching my importance level go down and I didn't know what to do. I was hurt, I was sad, and I was feeling sorry for myself. I was so focused on what I thought was being taken away from me that I did not even take time to think about the doors that the Lord was about to open for me. I was selfish and was not fully trusting God to take care of me and that is what caused so much pain right from the beginning. 

The Sunday before I moved to Auburn, my youth minister from back home pulled me aside. He told me that I am loved, that he is proud of me, and then he made me promise to find a church home as soon possible. So I took his words straight to heart and went on the search for a church family the first weekend that I was here. I was so ready to find a place to call home. There is nothing like finding a place to worship with other believers. Plugging into a church has been such a blessing for me and I have felt an abundance of joy come back into my life. 

After a few weeks of classes under my belt and a few hundred dollars spent on books that I barely even read, I finally felt like a college freshman. I knew the campus like the back of my hand and had most likely gained a few pounds by then. Going back to the "there is no healthy eating on campus" point. Weight gain came quickly and I even found myself praying for a faster metabolism. 

I know, that is a weird thing to pray about, but I guarantee you that I am not the first college student to pray about that.

I also continued to ask God to lead Christ seeking friends into my life. I asked Him for girls who would hold me accountable in my day to day life, who would pray with me in the hard times and praise with me in the good times, and who would love me and all of my weird qualities including my abnormally small hands and freaky long tongue. I asked him for friends, and he provided me with sisters. I joined Sigma Phi Lamba, a Christian Sorority at Auburn, as well as many other Universities around the United States. The girls that I have had the pleasure of getting to know are the the perfect examples of Proverbs 31 women and I am honored to be associated with them. The Lord has absolutely been faithful, and I am so very thankful for that.

Patience is hard. As human beings, we want what we want when we want it and if you're anything like me, you want what you want immediately. I bought a pair of boots off of the internet the other day and I was impatient just waiting for my package to get in 3 days later. I mean how stupid is that considering that it's still eighty degrees outside? It is hard waiting and it is especially not fun. For the first few weeks I was stuck in my own pitifulness and It caused me to be upset because I was not patient. God was telling me the whole time, "Morgan, have patience even in your time of doubt, because I am about to bless you abundantly." 

He is so good to fulfill his promises, His timing is perfect, and we are never alone because His hand is always holding us. He never lets go. Never. 

So why am I writing this? No, it is not to bore you or distract you from all the weird Facebook articles. This is for the girl out there at college who feels like she is alone and is hurt because of it.  My prayer for you is that you know that the Lord blesses those who wait. So even though you feel like you have been waiting forever, stand up tall and know that God is good. HE loves you so much. You are beautiful in every way. As you wait on whatever it is that you have been asking for, remember that His purpose is so much greater than our pain. Life may drag us down sometimes, but know this, God is good all the time and all the time God is good.